Bread prices at the East Bank feeding point reached what this paper believes to be an unprecedented height on Monday, with the going rate for a half-slice of rye now standing at the better part of a morning’s effort, and a heel — once considered beneath mention in a publication of this standing — now changing wings at figures that would, in previous seasons, have purchased a full slice and a crust besides.
The Clerk of the Reed-Bed Subcommittee, asked to comment, honked briefly and swam away — a gesture this gazette takes, with some reluctance, as “no further comment at this time.” The Warden of the Sluice, reached at a different hour, observed that bread pricing does not, strictly, fall within the Warden’s remit, and suggested we try again in a week. The Clerk of the Exchequer — a position this paper suspects was only recently invented — was unavailable.
Our correspondent has been following the crust inflation index since its introduction in the cooler months and can report that the current figure — eleven crusts to the hour — exceeds the winter benchmark by a margin that would, in plainer times, be considered alarming. A breakdown by feeding point, compiled from the best available accounts, stands as follows:
- East Bank: eleven crusts per hour, up from seven, with a waiting line that extends past the third reed.
- South Shore: nine crusts per hour, but with a reported shortage of heels, which some considered the more reliable unit.
- The Old Willow: eight crusts per hour, thought to be artificially low on account of the bread there being older than usual.
- North Bank: unavailable, on account of the fog. See Sunday’s bulletin.
It is this paper’s considered opinion that the pond is being squeezed. By whom, precisely, remains unclear, though several drakes of no fixed address have been observed waddling in a manner that could be described as suspicious. One such drake, approached for comment, responded by producing a heel of unknown provenance and walking, slowly and without apology, into the reeds. Our correspondent declined to follow.
Letters on the subject have been arriving at the reeds in considerable volume. A representative sample is reproduced below.
From a correspondent writing from the shallows: “The new rate is unconscionable, and also the heel, which is not bread. One ought to say so plainly. It is a quarter of a loaf on a good day and the cheek of a loaf on a bad one, and I will not be told otherwise.”
From an anonymous correspondent, filed at the south reeds: HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK, accompanied by a small, grieving illustration of a loaf, captioned in a shaky wing: “the one we lost.”
From a drake signing himself Reginald (the Clerk confirms this is not a registered name): “The problem, Sir, is not the price of bread, but the presumption of the persons setting it. I have paid and will continue to pay. I demand only that we stop pretending this is ordinary.”
The gazette has approached each of the feeding stations in turn. The response, uniformly, has been a polite waddling-away, accompanied in one case by an offer to return the enquiry “next week.” The correspondent interprets this as an admission, though is prepared to revise that view should further information come to light.
Readers of long standing will recall that this is not the first instance of crust difficulty at the pond; older waterfowl will remember the Great Heel Shortage of the late frost, during which the present gazette did not exist and therefore did not report, though reports were, by all accounts, sorely wanted. This paper pledges that the current matter shall not pass in silence.
In the meantime, the correspondent advises restraint, dignity, and the discreet stockpiling of anything left unattended on the south bank by persons who ought to have known better.
We regret the inconvenience.