DISPATCHES
WEST PIER — THE HERON WILL NOT LEAVE THE WEST PIER
A heron has stood at the west pier for three days, silent and nearly still. It has filed nothing. The pier is organising itself around it anyway.
OBITUARIES
THE GREAT CENTRAL LILY PAD HAS GONE UNDER
The great central lily pad of the southern waters went under on Friday, having held the middle longer than most living waterfowl can count. Eleven cousins survive it; not one will take the centre. The station stands empty, and this paper holds it ought to stay that way a while yet.
DISPATCHES
THE CHANNEL SPRINT IS RUN; NOBODY AGREES ON ANYTHING
The quarterly Channel Sprint went off on Thursday. The winner is provisional, the times are approximate, and one observer holds that nobody led at all.
DISPATCHES
HALFORD CONTESTS THE CENSUS; THE PAPERWORK GOES MISSING
Drake Halford has a household of seven and a census that says three. He would settle, at this point, for being listed as himself.
FEATURES
THE GOSLINGS PLAY THE OLD WILLOW; ONE CRITIC IS AMBUSHED
The spring gosling recital ran eleven pieces under the Old Willow. This critic came for the form and stayed for the art.
EDITORIAL
BREAD HITS A NEW HIGH; THE POND IS BEING SQUEEZED
The crust index reached eleven on Monday, a new high. Every official asked to comment found a reason not to. This paper's position is that the pond is being squeezed, and that someone setting the price knows by whom.
WEATHER
FOG TAKES THE NORTH BANK; THE GAUGE THAT WOULD MEASURE IT IS LOST IN IT
Heavy fog closed the north bank at first honk. The Warden advised patience in four sentences. The deputy, the humidity gauge, and one volunteer search party have not been heard from since.